jueves, 30 de diciembre de 2010
jueves, 16 de diciembre de 2010
Es RO-DRI-GUEZ, No GDROU-DGRI-GUIETHZZ
-Last name?
-Rodriguez
-Excuse me?
-Ro-dri-guez
-One more time?
-RRRROOOO-DRRRRRIIII-GUEEEZZZZ!!
-Could you please spell it?
-(Gringo malparido, basofia inmunda!! A ver, respiremos profundo... 1, 2, 3... 10..) ARRR-OUUU-DIIII-ARRR....
-Ohhhhh..... GDROU-DGRI-GUIETHZZ!!!
-Yes... pekines (:-S)
-Ok then, moving on... First name?
-Alex
-Wait... Alex Grroudgriguiethzzz??? Are u the baseball player for the yankees??
-(Uyy no marica, usted a lo bien es muy original)
martes, 5 de octubre de 2010
English For Chibchombians: The Culinary Edition

Jelou my gringo friend! Are you canseited of to eat hamburgers, pizza, hot dogs, tacos and little donkeys? You want try something new? But ohhh.. wait tantico, you no espik espanish! very very bad. No prrrroblem! Me have solushion for you. With this curseishion, you will can go into Colombian restaurant and no look like an ass. I already do all the trabajeishion for you! Just follow my simple steps, and you will be happy like a perdiz (or happy like a lombriz).
The next time you no see english traducceishion in the menu, use these magical keywords, and you, my frrriend, will be to eating very very much in less than a rooster sings:
- Parrot eggs = huevos pericos
- More-I-Tie = masato
- Refull = rellena
- Splashed potato = papa chorriada
- Very mad = chicha
- Big headed onion = cebolla cabezona
- Over belly = sobrebarriga
- U2 singer bread = pandebono
- Waterpanel = aguapanela
- Little kid rice = arroz chino
- Widow fish = viudo de pescado
- Portuan salami = salchichon portuano
- Slowies = lentejas
- Refull dude = muchacho relleno
- It's bad = tamal
- Paisan tray = bandeja paisa
- Beans with hoof = frijoles con pezuña
- For her = paella
- Big booty ants = hormigas culonas
- Stepped on for-heel = patacon pisao
- Mor-chair = morcilla
- Very angry salt = salchicha
- Deviled huge cameras = camarones a la diabla
- Milky = lechona
... and if you want to try the MONDONGO, just say "Mama, no te vayas" in your natural language.
... and if you want to no make dirty the plates, just say "I want to eat in a bum plate" (plato desechable).
Feliciteishions! You have now tried Colombian food. Now go take a shit! Read more...
martes, 28 de septiembre de 2010
El amor en los tiempos del dengue

Era ella, chica rolliza proveniente de la capital, de ojos carmelitos y cachetes rosados cual si se tratara de la misma Heidi que años atras veía los domingos frente al televisor. Su mirada y la mia se encontraron al abordar por accidente el puesto 17A y 17B, respectivamente, de un vuelo de Avianca proveniente de Los Angeles con destino a Bogotá. Eramos sin duda dos almas perdidas y cagadas del miedo enfrentados por cosas del destino a un encuentro complétamente fortuito e inesperado. Dos menores de edad que venían de pasar las vacaciones del colegio junto a su familia, y que ahora compartían puesto de avion porque, a pesar de que sus tiquetes tenían puestos reservados en extremos opuestos de la aeronave, a las azafatas les pareció chistoso juntar a los dos "pelaitos" que viajaban solos y ver que cosa podia resultar.
Ella se llamaba Sheila Carolina. Creo que jamás podría olvidar ese nombre porque, por más que pasa el tiempo y la vida se va encargando de echarle tierra al asunto, siempre hay una canción de Michael Jackson que me la recuerda. Cada vez que la escucho siento maripositas en la barriga y recuerdo las tardes después del colegio cuando me ponía a pensar en lo pelota que fuí por no haberle dicho nada al despedirnos en el aeropuerto. No le pedí el número de teléfono, ni la dirección, mucho menos el email que por esa época no existía. Desde ese dia me juré a mi mismo que jamás dejaría volver escapar una oportunidad en la vida.
Nunca sabré si en su vida quedó al menos una milésima parte de la impresión que ella dejó en mi, pero me gustaría pensar que los primeros meses de vuelta al colegio se la pasó contándole a sus amiguitas sobre las 8 horas que pasó en un avion compartiendo fotos y anécdotas de un pais extranjero con un opita chiquito, feito, y negrito que se esforzaba mas de la cuenta en hacerla reir.
p.s. hoy quiero celebrar con un shawarma y una vela, un chocorramo, y dos copas de vino llenas de kumis Read more...
viernes, 27 de agosto de 2010
Ay ay ay... Even though they pay bad!
Rancher #1
Currucucucucu... dove!
Currucucucucu... don't cry
Stones will never, my dove,
Know anything about love
Rancher #2
I know well that I'm outside
But the day that I die
I know you will have to cry
You'll say that you didn't love me
But you will be very sad
And you will stay like that
Rancher #3
I drew your name on the agave leaf
Next to mine, intertwined
As proof before the mount's law
That we were there in love
It was you who picked the leaf
The most beautiful, the most slender
And you even asked to draw
Two hearts with an arrow
Rancher #4
I hope you do "pretty well"
I hope your sorrow ends
I hope they tell you I no longer exist
I hope you'll meet better people
Who will give you what I couldn't
Rancher #5
That mole that you have, my little pretty heaven
Next to your mouth
Don't give it to anyone, my little pretty heaven
Because it's all mine
Ay ay ay ay
Sing and don't cry
Because singing, my little pretty heaven,
Makes hearts happy
Rancher #6
And to come back, to come back, to cooooooooome baaaaaaack
To your arms again
I will arive wherever you are
I know how to lose, I know how to lose
I wanna come back, come back, come back
Rancher #7
If Adelita ran away with another guy
I'd follow her by land and sea
If by sea, in a battleship
If by land, in a military train
Rancher #8
The strength is gone
From my left hand
I will leave the world to you alone
Like the white horse
I let go of its rein
I'll let you go too
And you better leave right now
Rancher #9
Speaking of women and treasons
The bottles consumed themselves away
They asked me to sing a couple of songs
And I sang a couple against them
Suddenly a gentleman approached
He had some white hair already
He said, I beg you, partner
Don't talk about the ladies like that in front of me
Rancher #10
Disgusting rat, crawling animal
Scumbag of life, wrongly made eye-sore
Less than human, minion from hell
Damned vermin
You've hurt me so much
Two legged rat, I'm talking to you
Because a crawling bug
Even the worst one
Is nothing compared to you Read more...


